my name is botan
by peonyreaper
Summary: There is this gaping hole in my whole existence that I can't seem to fill. It's like a barrier, that keeps all the details, that I seek, carefully locked away, buried somewhere in the depth of my mind and I'm unable to find the key. But I want the key. I want to know everything. I want to know myself. / botan-centric; drabble


**so this is basically the backstory of botan and every other ferry girl. this i how i headcanon them at least.**  
**insert the usual stuff here**

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My name is Botan, I am a ferry girl, grim reaper.

My name is Botan

and the chanting in my head starts again, repeating that four fact over and over and over - the only four things I know about myself - and I tighten my grip around my oar.

There is this gaping hole in my whole existence that I can't seem to fill. It's like a barrier, that keeps all the details, that I seek, carefully locked away, buried somewhere in the depth of my mind and I'm unable to find the key. But I want the key. I want to know everything. I want to know myself.

_Where did I come from? _

_ Did I have a family?_

_ How long have I been in this world? _

_ Who am I?_

Questions that no reaper can find any answers to, simply because this is how things work in the spirit world. I feel like I'm getting lost in my own mind, so instead, I start lining up the few things that I acually know.

I once was a human girl, with noticable spiritual awareness, and I must have died at the age of eight somehow, like every other reaper. So I suppose I must have had a family back then, but I can't remember. A loving mother and a caring father maybe? They have lost their child.

That was when my education as a reaper-to-be started. I don't remember the classes, I don't remember my teachers but I know the lessons by heart. I've been taught about the whole world, about judgement, hell and heaven, demons, spirits and humans and the psychology of their minds. I've learned how to be sympathetic but never involved with the souls I'm ferrying; how to handle vengeful spirits; and the most stressed lesson: how to obey without question.

Regarding my age, I'm afraid I'll never have a clear picture. With a job - _rather duty_ \- like ours, it is not surprising if the reaper girls' cheeriness slowly fades away with time. You know you're not the one who takes away people's lives, but _they sure make you feel like that_, they make you shoulder all their miseries, they tell you about their biggest mistakes, their deepest regrets and you _**must bear it all**_. You have to shrug it off every single time, and it is not at all easy.

I have seen how my fellow reapers have lost themselves in this ocean of sorrow and I saw them the next day, wearing a beaming smile, not remembering a thing not remembering me either.

It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. They - who exactly i don't know- are probably deleting our memories when it's needed. Like we were some kind of _toys_ you can simply **reset** any time to avoid failure. Like we had no emotions, no friends nor enemies. Like we had nothing we cherished and held onto.

_ How many times did they reset __me__? _

_ When are they going to do it again? _

I feel these thoughts devouring my sanity, my hands are uncontrollably shaking and I feel a fierce tug at my heart. I know I am on the verge of breaking down, when it hits me

oh, _of course_. So it will come soon. Of course, they can't let me figure this out, they can't let me think about it and break. And if I was to ask anyone or let alone talk about it, I am not sure I would recognize my friends the next day.

_Just how many friends have i lost? _

_ How many times did i have to go through this? _

_ When is it going to end? __**Will it ever?**_

_ who am i? Who am I?_

_**WHO AM I? **_

.  
.

Heey, my name is Botan and guess what, I am the grim reaper. I became the assistant of this up-to-no-good guy, a new spirit detecitve, Yusuke Urameshi. I'm going to help him and teach him all kind of stuff, and we're gonna kick some demon butt together! Now isn't it just _exciting_?

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**well, thanks for reading! i hope it didn't freak you out, it's just something i can see the spirit world doing, you know? maybe koenma's and botan's friendship could change it, but that's another story for another day. yepp.**


End file.
